The one thing I’ve learnt in life is that, more important than how you look, the most important thing that determines how people will treat you is how good your SOCIAL SKILLS are.
Nothing nothing nothing is more important than developing SOCIAL SKILLS.
Even if you have some kind of disability, like that inspiring guy who has no hands or legs — I don’t know his name but he is a famous speaker — although life might still undeniably be tough for you, in the end, if you have great social skills you will be successful and people will overlook any challenges that you might otherwise possess.
But if you are socially awkward or shy, even if you are gorgeous or you look perfect, no one will like you. You won’t be able to get a job and even if you do clench one you won’t be able to keep it.
Or if you have difficulties with executive functioning. Executive functioning is things like short-term memory. I have none.
I remember one of the very first jobs I got. Well maybe it WAS the first job I ever got, come to think of it.
My First Job
So the guy showed me around the place. For me it was just one giant whirlwind, everything he told me went in one ear and out the other because I just had no ability at all to remember a word he said.
I WANTED to remember it. I did try very hard to remember it.
But I’m incapable of remembering more than 3 facts at a time and sometimes I can only remember 2.
So after giving me the grand tour, where I couldn’t remember what each office was for or who worked in each office or which job each office was dedicated to, he took me back to the front desk and asked me to call Customer Service.
I was supposed to have remembered which office Customer Service was in! I couldn’t remember it so I couldn’t call them.
I really WANTED to remember the office number. I really tried to remember it.
But I couldn’t remember it.
So he said: “I can see you are not suited for this job at all. I’m sorry about that. I just hired Cindy here, this is also Cindy’s first job and she has turned out to be absolutely brilliant. Most people on their first job are usually amazing because they try very hard. That’s why I like to hire people with no experience. I give them their first opportunity, and in return they offer me all their enthusiasm and attention and they try very hard.
“But I can see you just don’t have what it takes. You are either very dense and slow-witted, or you are just plain lazy or you are goofing off and not paying any attention to me.
“And just in case you didn’t know it before, I am telling you now: ignoring your boss is not a good thing. Not a good thing at all. Good-bye.”
I really wish I’d known then that I had Aspergers and that having no short-term memory is one characteristic of people with Aspergers. That it’s something you can’t help and it’s not your fault.
As it was I thought the problem was because I was super incorrigibly lazy!
Because no matter how hard I tried I just still couldn’t remember. If you can’t do something no matter how hard you try isn’t it usually because you didn’t try hard enough?
Because you were just too lazy to try harder?
A Two-Edged Sword
I always think knowing that you have Aspergers (or ADHD or whatever) is a two-edged sword.
My son knows it and on the one hand I think it makes things easier for him because he knows it’s not HIS fault he can’t do some things that people expect him to be able to do.
He knows he’s not being lazy or acting insolent.
And when people see he can’t do them and they think he’s intellectually challenged he KNOWS he is not intellectually challenged, that his intelligence is normal. It’s just that being incapable of doing X is a typical and common characteristic of people with ADHD, it’s something you are born with.
So he doesn’t feel so bad.
But on the other hand it also means that he KNOWS that he has problems with X, and that people don’t like to hire people who have problems with X. So then he thinks no one will ever hire him.
More Job Problems
I had another job a few years back with similar problems. The boss showed me a ton of books and said in Book A we have a series of games that are suitable for 8 year old kids (this was at a private school where I was supposed to be an afterschool monitor). Book B has games for 10-year-olds. Book C has more intellectual challenges suitable for older kids or pre-teens and Books D-G are for teenagers. As you know teenagers aren’t so much into running around and prefer word games and intellectual challenges. Tomorrow you’ll get the 8-year-olds so why don’t you take the book I just told you about and research a few games to play with them?
I didn’t dare to ask her to tell me again which book was the one with games for 8-year-olds. If I’d done that she would’ve thought I hadn’t been paying attention to her.
And I HAD been paying attention. I just couldn’t remember anything she said. There was too much information and I got all the books mixed up.
So I had to spend a long time looking through each book to find out which one was the one for 8-year-olds.
So you see, we aren’t lazy. We actually have to work HARDER and spend MORE TIME to be able to do the same things other, more “normal” people are able to do quickly and automatically.
I wish I’d known then too that I have attention deficit and Aspergers.
But as I said, at that time I didn’t know it. My bosses didn’t know it either.
So they simply jumped to the conclusion that I must be lazy, slow-witted or insolent.
How about you? Have you ever suffered from problems at work due to Aspergers? Or do you work with someone who is on the spectrum, or supervise an employee who is an aspie? What’s it like? Do tell tell.